La Parodie
by HumiliatedGrape
Summary: Here it is, what we've all been waiting for - a parody of Chocolat! Please R&R! Rated PG-13 just to be safe ;) CHAPTER 4 UP!
1. A Horny Mayor and a Stupid Weasel

**Author's note:** Tadaaa! The very first Chocolat parody on here :) I guess I've seen the movie too often - after I've seen a movie many times, I always start making fun it. This is my first attempt to make a whole parody out of that and I really hope you like it. Hands down to my good friend Olivia without whose help this wouldn't be half as funny. I luv ya!

Anyways, I thought we'd have a little sort of contest. See there are lots of references from other movies in here, so if you can tell me how many, I'll give you a cookie. And if you tell me exactly what the jokes are and from what movies they come, I'll give you a Johnny Depp clone. I also put a reference from a book in here, but I don't think anyone's gonna guess it... oh well. In the next update, I'll tell you what the references were! :)

**Disclaimer: **Don't own nothing, sadly.... Though I want sexy Roux so bad!!! Oh well. Can't have everything.

So, off we go.

------

--we see the village in a spiffy wide shot--

--camera closes up on the church-entrance, where the mayor stands and greets the people--

Mayor: (to woman) Mornin, luv, how you doin? (winks at her and slaps her butt)

Woman: (avoids looking at him and gets inside quickly, dragging her kids along)

Female voiceover: Once upon a time, there was this spiffy little village in the middle of nowhere – no, wait, in France, wasn't it? Oh well who cares anyway – whose people believed in... well, actually nothing. But they really liked instant soup.

--inside the church: People look bored and lackadaisically skim through their songbooks--

--a sort of trap door opens in the floor and a huge headlight is switched on with a clicking sound, illuminating the hole in the floor--

--squeaking sounds of some not well oiled device similar to a jack--

Electrician down below: (murmuring) Goddamnit, we really need to get that squeak out of there…

--a platform with an entire gospel choir on it rises from out of the hole--

Choir: _Hey sista, go sista, soul sista, flow sista_

_Hey sista, go sista, soul sista, go sista_ [haha... recognize the song? ;)] (they clap their hands in typical gospel-choir-style)

--a single woman steps out of the choir--

Woman: (choir goes on singing the sista thing) _so here you are in this old church again_

_you ain't got nothin' better to do_

_we say: hello, hey jerks_

_you wanna be a bit smarter? _

_oh-oh_

Choir: _giche__ giche yaya da da_

_giche giche yaya here_

_people are such hopeless morons_

Woman: _here in spiffy Lansqueneeeeeeeeet_

Choir: _voulez-vous manger chocolat, ce soir_

_voulez-vous manger chocolat_

Woman: (choir sings the sista-thing again) _you're idiots, the women as well as the men_

_what a pity, you don't have friends_

_and noone cares about you_

Choir: _giche giche yaya da da_

_giche giche yaya here_

_people are such hopeless morons_

woman:_ here in spiffy Lansqueneeeeet oh_

Choir_: voulez-vous manger chocolat, ce soir_

_voulez-vous manger chocolat_

Voiceover: If you lived in this village, you were well aware that you should stay the hell away from the mayor. Especially if you were a girl - although sometimes, he went for the guys as well.

--Reynaud winks at guy behind him--

--Père Henri walks up the stairs to his spiffy sermon-place--

Henri: (clears his throat) that was.... impressive. (clears throat again) Anyway. Umm... the season of lent is upon us.

Woman #1: (bored) that so.

Henri: (ignoring her) This is of course a time of abstence. Hopefully also a time of...

Guy #1: Instant soup rocks!

Henri: (confused) huh? Umm, I was gonna say 'reflection'. But umm... Now on with the sermon. Above all let this be for us a time...

Woman #2: of throwing tomatoes at priests! Since we can't eat them.

--people start rummaging in their bags--

Henri: (scared) (under his breath) uh-oh... (looks around nervously but decides to continue) ummm... a time of sincere penitence.

--someone throws a tomato, it hits him on the chest--

Henri: Ouch! (ducks, but too late - another one hits him on his forehead) Ouch! What I mean to say is, (ducks again as another one comes flying) this is a time to stand up and be counted and... (more tomatoes are thrown)... it's not a time to stand low because... (gets hit again) (stutters a little, is obviously on the verge of tears but manages to hold them back)

Guy #2: Oh look! He's gonna cry! What a sissy! (laughs evilly)

Random people: Aww, now isn't that cute! (throw more tomatoes)

Henri: ...and...(sobs)... it's a time for christ... he knows (sobs) what you (sobs) reflect on...

--a very foul tomato ends up right in his face--

Henri: (wipes his face, then bursts out in tears) THAT'S IT! I - CAN'T - TAKE IT!! (runs off, flying tomatoes follow him)

People: (chanting) Crybaby! Crybaby! (everyone cheers)

Voiceover: so, through good times and bad, the villagers held fast to their traditions. They ate instant soup 6 times a day - for first breakfast, second breakfast, elevenses, luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner and supper.

--wide-shot on Vianne and Anouk walking along the street, carrying their suitcases and wearing pink coats with teddy-bear-design and teddy-ears on top of the hoods--

Voiceover: Then, one winter day, a sly breeze, meaning it had a high IQ, if that's possible - who the hell wrote this script?? - blew in from the North. Well actually, it wasn't really a breeze but more of a hurrican with wind force 8 or so.

--close-up on Vianne and Anouk coming up the path. The wind rips the left plush ear off Anouk's hood--

Anouk: (turns on her heel, sees the ear flying away and whirling in the wind) Oh crap! No wonder these coats were so cheap! Bloody wind! (pauses) Wait.... Take the other one, t- (is hit on the forehead and knocked unconscious by a bough the wind had torn off a tree)

Vianne: Dammit! (tries to lift Anouk up but has some trouble with her weight, moans) She really shouldn't eat so much chocolate! The girl is getting fat! (finally succeeds and goes on, carrying Anouk)

--Vianne reaches Armande's door. She knocks and is let inside--

--Armande's living room: she's asleep in her armchair, snoring. Vianne walks in and puts Anouk, who is slowly beginning to wake up, on the floor--

Vianne: (looks at Armande, then back in the direction of the door. confused) Now this is weird. Who opened the door?? A ghost? (looks around but then shrugs) Oh well. It could be worse.

--Armande continues to snore. Vianne clears her throat. She waits a little. Meanwhile, Anouk wakes up completely and stands up. Vianne gives her a helpless look. She slowly walks over to Armande, stoops over her and pokes her. Armande snores.Vianne recoils a little, then turns back to Armande with a quick movement--

Vianne: BOO!!!

--Armande snores. Vianne regards her for a while, then slaps her. Armande wakes up--

Armande: (looks around confused, puts on her glasses and looks at Vianne and Anouk) Who the hell are you?

Vianne: Good day to you, too. I'm Vianne Rocher, and this is my daughter Anouk. We wanna rent the patisserie and the apartment above. And deepest apologies for the rude awakening.

Armande: Where'd you get those spiffy coats?

Vianne: Actually, they were 10% off at some shop in Asadoweina. [made that name up, just so you know]

Anouk: But they're crap. Ronald thinks so too!

Armande: ???

Vianne: Ronald is a weasel. But he's mentally ill.

Armande: How sick is he?

Vianne: He's plenty sick.

Anouk: But it seems to me that - i mean except for being a little mentally ill - he's pretty normal...

Armande: ...

--cut to Vianne turning on the faucet. Dirty water comes out.--

Vianne: (rolls eyes)

--cut to Armande standing by the door and counting her money--

Armande: I expect you to keep it in good condition.

--cut to Vianne--

Vianne: (dubious look) yeah right!

--cut to the bedroom of the apartment. Anouk is in her alcove. Vianne unpacks.--

Voiceover: They had two bags of grass, 57 pellets of mescaline, 5 sheets of high powdered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers. Also a quart of tequila, quart of rum, case of beer, pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls.

Anouk: But what a nice town this is. Don't you think so maman?

Vianne: (peeved) If you say so... (rolls eyes)

Anouk: Maman, Ronald wants to know how long we can stay.

Vianne: (rolls eyes) Tell Ronald to worry about his own fortune and to go to hell!

Anouk: (whispers to "Ronald", then turns to Vianne again) You know nothing of hell!

Vianne: (rolls eyes) What story tonight, huh?

Anouk: Ron wants to hear about-

Vianne: (interrupting) I don't give a tiny rat's ass about what Ronald wants! He's too stupid to understand it anyway.

Anouk: (grumbles) Alright, _I _want to hear about Grandmère and Grandpère.

Vianne: (rolls eyes) Ummmmm... no. Not tonight. (puts a pink tupperware box which is apparently her mother's urn on the bedside table) I'll tell you the story where the woman has the garden and then the guy has the shovel...

Anouk: Not one of my favorites.

Vianne: (rolls eyes) Oooh, I'm in trouble. I'll tell it anyways.

--next day: In the shop. Vianne is wiping off the counter and Anouk is playing Monopoly with Ron--

Anouk: Come on Ronald!! It's your turn! Why don't you do anything??

Vianne: (rolls eyes)

Reynaud enters

Vianne: I don't believe I know you.

Reynaud: I know that. That doesn't matter. I know _you _Mr Rainey. _That's_ what matters. You stole my- Whoooops, wrong movie...

Vianne: (rolls eyes)

Reynaud: I'm the Comte de Reynaud and I'd like to welcome you to the community and invite you to worship on Sundays, Madame. And while I'm at it... my wife's in Italy... (he gives her a more or less sexy wink)

Vianne: We don't go to church. And those bells are just a pain in the ass - or ears, for that matter. And by the way... it's 'Mademoiselle'. I've never been married. (murmuring) _Do I already look that old...?_

Reynaud: Is that so! (winks) (under his breath) what a useful detail... thanks for that... (grins)

Vianne: Anyways, I do hope you'll step by when I open for business next week.

Reynaud: You bet your fur I will! (thinking) _and I hope you'll step by my place sometime, too... _(to Vianne) Yes, opening a pâtisserie during lent - I could imagine better timing...

Vianne: Oh, it's not gonna be a pâtisserie.

Reynaud: Then what do you intend to-

Vianne: (interrupting) It's a surprise.

Reynaud: (crybaby look)

Vianne: It's been nice to meet you. See ya later alligator!

Reynaud: For a while crocodile! (leaves)

------

Please review!!! I'm open to suggestions! (is it obvious that i'm Secret Window-obsessed?)

btw, "voulez-vous manger chocolat" means "do you want to eat chocolate". Actually, it should be "voulez-vous manger **du **chocolat", but that wouldn't have fit :)


	2. Bad Bathroom Habits

**Author's note:** So so so so sorry for the long delay of this chapter! I had something like a writer's block and had to wait for Olivia to get back from vacation. But here it is :) woohoo!

You didn't get all the references, but I'll give you the cookies anyway. I'll have to think about the JD clones ;)

these were the references:

-- 'we really need to get that squeak out of there' - from Chocolat itself :)

-- 'THAT'S IT! I CAN'T TAKE IT!' from Ed Wood

-- first breakfast, second breakfast, elevenses, luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner and supper - Hobbit meals, LotR.

-- As Vianne tries to wake Armande up - she does it the same way as Jack tests if Mr Brown if fast asleep in PotC.

-- The rude awakening comes from From Hell

-- Ronald, the weasel - from Harry Potter. (Malfoy calls Ron 'weasel' because his last name is Weasly)

-- "How sick is he? - He's plenty sick. - But it seems to me that - i mean except for being a little mentally ill - he's pretty normal..." from Benny&Joon (Benny and Sam talking about Joon)

-- "They had two bags of grass, 57 pellets of mescaline, ....." from Fear&Loathing in Las Vegas

-- "Tell Ronald to worry about his own fortune" from PotC. Remember, Jack in Jail, two guys from Barbossa's crew show up?

-- "You know nothing of hell!" - same as above.

-- " the story where the woman has the garden and then the guy has the shovel... - Not one of my favorites." - from Secret Window. Conversation between Mort and Amy.

-- "I'm in trouble." - Mort in Secret Window. Ted wants to talk to Mort.

-- "I don't believe I know you. - That doesn't matter, i know _you _Mr Rainey that's what matters. You stole my story." - John Shooter, Secret Window.

-- "What a useful detail. Thanks for that." - Mort, Secret Window

And last but not least, the one from the book:

-- "You bet your fur" from It, by Stephen King.

So, off we go.

--Reynaud walks through the village and puts his hat on--

Voiceover: The mayor was a student of biology and therefore a constantly horny man -- is this supposed to make _any _sense?? -- Like his ancestors, he gawked at women - and guys, occasionally.

--Reynaud sits at his desk, reading a porn magazine--

Voiceover: Hismost important features were sex-obsession and horniness.

--Reynaud walks up to Caroline, who is typing something--

Reynaud: I have completed the November issue of Playboy. (pause, Caroline says nothing) Madame Clairmont?

Caroline: (sniffs) (touched) Your letter to the editor, Monsieur Le Comte... This paragraph about sex toys, it's... quite a turn-on, if it's not too bold to say.

Reynaud: (giggles) Thank you. (winks at her) If you ever need any... (winks again)

--dog-barking outside. He walks over to the window and sees Vianne greeting some Afro-American. A wagon is on the street.--

Reynaud: May I ask, have you been in contact with your mother recently?

Caroline: No, we fell out with each other. You see, we fight over the smallest things. For instance, she always leaves the toothpaste tubes open. Apparently she doesn't realize that the toothpaste is gonna-

Reynaud: (rolls eyes) (interrupting) The reason I'm asking is, she seems to have rented up the pâtisserie.

Caroline: Oh? Well that doesn't change her bathroom habits. She also never hangs the towels back on the hook. Always leaves them lying on the floor all wet and dirty...

Reynaud: You know, that's a little more information than I wanted.

Caroline: Believe it or not, she doesn't use the toilet brush, either! Not even when I bought her one of those (Reynaud rolls his eyes and walks out of the room, slamming the door shut) with the spiffy dolphin design...

--spiffy music starts--

--cut to Vianne painting a wall (in the shop) pink.--

--cut to the church entrance. Reynaud greets the people. The woman from before walks past him in safe distance--

Woman: I heard she was some kind of alcoholic.

--cut to Vianne decorating. She paints teddy bears on the wall and puts teddy bears on the shelf.--

--cut to two boys running to the window and peeking through the hole in the newspaper-layer.--

Boy #1: I heard she's on addictive substances.

Boy #2: What's that?

Boy #1: Drugs, of course. There are, for example, ether, cocaine, mescaline, heroin, marijuana, and adrenochrome - which makes pure mescaline seem like... ginger bear, man.

--Later: Vianne removes shop sign. People give her shifty looks. Vianne arranges teddy-bear shaped chocolates in the shop window. Then she removes the newspaper sheets. Two women stop in front of it and try to get a look into the shop. One of them approaches the window too closely and hits her head on the pane. It leaves a grease mark. Vianne smirks.--

--cut to Vianne hanging up her new shop sign with a teddy on it. It says 'Chocolaterie Pooh'. As Reynaud walks by, he tries to get a look under her skirt.--

--Vianne opens the curtains.—

--spiffy music stops--

--cut to outside of the chocolaterie. Everyone stops to look at the shop window. A tyre comes rolling and hits Caroline on the head. Luc bursts out laughing.--

Caroline: (to boy) You should be more careful! Dumbass! (throws tyre back at him)

--Luc is rolling on the floor laughing--

Caroline: (to Luc) Stop it! Remember when you broke my favorite vase? Do you want me to do what i did then? (Luc stops laughing)

--Vianne and Aunouk come out of the chocolaterie--

Vianne: (to Caroline) You okay?

Caroline: Yeah, thanks. Well, not entirely – you see, I have these problems with my mother and—

Luc: Maman! Do you have to tell that to _everyone?_

Caroline: What?? She asked me!! And it really bums me out that—

Luc: Maman...

--Vianne and Anouk exchange glances--

Vianne: Anyway... I'm Vianne Rocher, and this is my Anouk. (makes an attempt to kiss Anouk on the cheek but she ducks away with a disgusted look on her face)

Caroline: Nice to meet you. I'm Caroline Clairmont, the daughter of your landlady, whose bathroom habits I hope you will never have to become familiar with—

Luc: It's enough now, really!

Caroline: All right, I'll stop! (to Vianne) This is my son Luc, by the way.

Vianne: That so. Anyway, come on inside.

--inside the chocolaterie. Vianne puts two pink cups of hot chocolate on the counter.--

Vianne: I bet you've never had hot chocolate made from a 2000 year old recepee.

Caroline: (casually) Did you come up with it? (Vianne glares at her) That must've been some tough piece of work. (Vianne continues glaring) (Luc takes one of the cups to drink) Luc!!

Luc: What?

Caroline: ...

Luc: (rolls eyes) Right. (gets down on his knees and folds his hands) Dear Lord, thank you for this meal that-

Caroline: (rolls eyes) That's not what I meant, blockhead. Does the word 'lent' ring a bell?

Luc: (considers this for a while) Oh yeah, right. (gets up again)

Anouk: (spins pink patterned plate-thing)

Frida i don't know her name so i'm just gonna call her Frida: ?

Anouk: What do you see in this?

Frida: ?

Vianne: (rolls eyes) Why do people never get this? (to woman) What does it look like to you?

Frida: (looks at it and quirks an eyebrow) A pink sort of plate with weird drawings on it.

Vianne: So nothing fanciful for you, I guess... Some milk chocolate will do. (hands it to her)

Frida: (takes it) Pffft. whatever.

Anouk: (spins plate again)(to Luc) What do you see?

Luc: (looks at it) Hm. I see... (tilts his head) ... a half-naked Chinese girl! Woah!

Vianne: (gives Caroline a questioning look)

Caroline: (shrugs) I'm used to that.

Vianne: All right, well, there are some kids (excoriating glance to Anouk) who even talk to imaginary weasels.

Anouk: (obviously not aware that Vianne is talking about her) Come on, Ronald, let's go upstairs and do something completely pointless! (they do so)

Caroline: My heart goes out to the parents of childs like that.

Vianne: (quirks an eyebrow)(sarcastically) Does it.

Caroline: Alright, we must run along. It's been nice to meet you.

--Luc is still staring at the plate, spinning it occasionally. His eyes widen more and more. He's drooling a little.--

Vianne: (appalled look)

Caroline: Luc, let's go. (takes his hand and drags him to the door. He follows reluctantly and looks back over his shoulder at the plate.)

Vianne: See you later alligator!

Caroline: For a while crocodile! (they leave)

Frida: Okay, I have to go now, too. (turns to leave)

Vianne: Wait, take these. (shows her the legendary awaken-the-passion-bean-thingies) I'm just gonna put a ribbon on it.

--Frida sees Joséphine walking up to the shop window. She breathes on the pane and draws a smilie on it with her finger. It makes a squeaking sound as she draws the mouth. She smiles dully. Then she presses her nose against the pane. Her smile widens. Suddenly she notices Frida and Vianne observing her and runs off.--

Frida: Joséphine Muscat. She lives in her own world.

Vianne: Apparently. (hands her the bean-thingies) For your husband. Things haven't been going so well lately, and I can't just stand by and watch your marriage kick the bucket. I know it sounds silly, but these awaken the fleshly desire for the satisfaction of his sexual needs. Authenticated by the Food and Sociology Organization of the United Nations and me. (winks) that Organization doesn't exist, btw

Frida: (quizzical look) (takes bean-thingies) Hm. Thanks. Bye.

Vianne: See ya later alligator!

Frida: For a while crocodile! (leaves)

--In Frida's house. She enters the living room carrying two buckets of milk. She puts them on the floor and sees the bean thingies on the table. She grabs them.--

Frida: (looks at her snoring, ugly husband and then back at the package.) I just don't get it. (throws them in the direction of the waste basket, but they end up on the floor)

--Luc sits in his room on his bed, drawing Manga - the kind with the half-naked Chinese girls. He hears kids playing outside and walks over to the window. He looks outside with a sad expression on his face.--

Audience: Awwwwwwww.....

--The door opens and Caroline enters.--

Caroline: Luc?

--He turns around. His toupee is the wrong way round on his head.--

Caroline: Oh, Luc! You glued your hair on the wrong way! (pulls a comb out of her pocket and tries to rearrange the hair.)

Luc: Mother... The new teacher wants us to take care of our hairstyles ourselves.

Caroline: _I _didn't glue it on. I'm just trying to add to your natural sex-appeal. (coughs) (she goes to leave the room and sees his drawing lying on the bed) Luc, why do you still draw these?

Luc: Well what choice do I have?? You won't allow me to watch real porn!!

--Frida's living room. Ugly Husband wakes up. He walks around looking for something to eat. He opens a cupboard to reveal a huge, complete Schwarzwälder Cherry-pie I hope you know what that is. I don't know the real English name.... Indifferent, he shuts the door. He goes on searching and sees the legendary Awaken-the-Passion-Bean-Thingies.--

Strange voice which seems to be coming from the bean-thingies: _Eeeeeeaaat usssssss..... Yessssss, preciousssssss..... Eeeeeeaaaat usss....._

--He walks towards them as if hypnotized and picks them up.--

Strange voice which seems to be coming from the bean-thingies: _Yessssss, preciousssss.... We knows you wants to eats usssss.... Precioussss...!_

--He opens the package and eats them all. He burps.--

Strange voice which seems to be coming from his stomach: _Yessssss, preciousssss.... Digesssst usssssss!_

Ugly Husband: Alright, now shut up.

--Frida is cleaning the toilet. Ugly Husband walks up and gets a nice view of her butt. She looks back over her shoulder and sees lust flickering in his tiny, ugly, pig-ish eyes.--

Frida: (ponders)

--After a while--

Frida: Now I get it!!

--Wide-shot on the outside of theirhouse. We see them making out through the window. Frida closes it.--

--Screen turns black.--

Please review! Push the little button and make me happy!


	3. The Town Retard and the Playful Dog

**Author's note:** There is no excuse good enough for the long delay. Here are the references from the last chapter:

- " if it's not too bold to say" - from Potc

- "that's a little more information than I wanted" - from Pulp Fiction

- "…makes pure mescaline seem like ginger bear, man" - from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

- the strange voice which seems to be coming from the bean-thingies - from LotR (Gollum)

And off we go!

------------------------------------------

--Reynaud's office. He's sitting at his desk, reading something (guess what lol)--

--Madame Rivet enters. He quickly puts his magazine in his upper desk drawer.--

-- She carries a tray with food and puts it down on his desk.--

Mme Rivet: Not hungry, Monsieur Le Comte?

Reynaud: Ummmm....

Mme Rivet: But you must eat, or you won't get tall and strong. Like your daddy.

Reynaud: (stubborn) I don't need to become tall and strong, I'm fat enough - and already a Mayor!

Mme Rivet: Oh pleeeease. Do it for meeeee.

Reynaud: (annoyed) Okay, whatever.

Mme Rivet: Good boy. (pats him on the head and leaves)

--Reynaud opens a huge drawer in his desk which is full of baguettes, croissants and several glasses of jam. He smears some jam on his chin and mouth. Then he puts the food from the tray in the drawer.--

--Later: Madame Rivet enters again. She sees the empty plates and smiles broadly.--

Mme Rivet: That's my good boy! (sees the jam on his face) Aw, and there's still jam around your mouth! (produces a handkerchief from her pocket and gently wipes his mouth. Reynaud smiles innocently. She strokes his head and then leaves with the tray. He waits a little and then takes his magazine out again with a furtive look to the door.)

--The chocolaterie. Joséphine enters and looks around nervously.--

Voice in Joséphine's head: _Turn around. Turn around and get the hell out of here. Right now._

--She stands silent for a few seconds, then hurries out again.--

--Outside. She walks a few steps, then halts.--

Voice in Joséphine's head: _Don't go back. Do NOT go back there._

--She hesitates, but then goes inside again.--

--In the shop. She walks to the plate with her "favorites". There are approximately 20 boxes on it. She puts box after box in her pockets.--

Vianne: (enters) Oh, a visit form the Town Retard. Hi.

Joséphine: (smiles)

--Vianne looks at the plate. Only one box is left. She looks at it for a while.--

Vianne: (thinking)_ I'm gonna have to have a serious talk with Ronald. This is the fifth time!!_

Joséphine: I didn't steal it. (she puts her hands in her pockets and you can clearly hear the boxes rustling.)

Vianne: (thinking)_ Where is that weasel?_ (to Joséphine) Oh, I know. All saints, in this village. Anyway, how may I assist you?

Joséphine: (looks around) Umm, it's expensive. I don't waste money. (thinking) _Stealing it is so much more fun..._

Vianne: I have a knack for guessing people's favorites.

Joséphine: Uh-huh.

Vianne: Do you have any talents?

Joséphine: Ummm.... (ponders) well, I guess I can say I'm pretty good at shoplifting.

Vianne: Hm. (looks at Joséphine, then at the plate again, then back at Joséphine) Hm. (smiles) That's nice.

Joséphine: Anyway, I gotta go.

Vianne: All right. See ya later alligator!

Joséphine: For a while crocodile! (leaves)

--Vianne is decorating the shop window. Madame Rivet, the widow Audel and some other woman (I'll just call her Florence Leroux like that chick in my French book lol) approach and look at the window curiously. Vianne favors them with not so much as a bored glance.--

Mme Rivet: Do you think she sells instant soup, too?

Mme Leroux: I wouldn't count on it.

--Guillaume and Charlie (his dog) come walking down the street. Charlie barks angrily at Madame Audel and bites off a piece of her skirt.--

Guillaume: Charlie!!

Mme Audel: That was an old skirt anyway...

--now we only see the women from the waist up, standing next to each other. Mme Leroux is on the left. Charlie jumps "into the screen" from below and lands her chest, knocking her over. She falls "out of screen". We can't see what happens to her now. We hear a sound that may be an old woman's underskirt being ripped apart. Charlie growls. Mme Leroux screams. The other two women look to their right, surprised. Mme Audel looks down where Mme Lerous is probably lying and pulls a face.--

Mme Audel: Ouch.

Guillaume: (obviously hot for her) I'm very sorry.

--Sounds of Charlie still working on Mme Leroux--

Mme Audel: Oh, it's okay. She's a tough bitch.

Guillaume: If you say so.

Mme Audel: (Looks at Mme Leroux) Apparently that doesn't make her able to fight an old dog though. Oh well. Get up, Florence, we should go on now!

--Suddenly Charlie smells the hot chocolate Vianne is making. He gets off Mme Leroux and runs for the chocolaterie. Guillaume pulls him back on the leash. Vianne opens the door. Charlie struggles inside.--

Vianne: Hey, boy! Got something for you! (She runs to the counter and gives him chocolates. Then she turns to Guillaume) Why didn't you pull him back?

Guillaume: It was fun to watch...

Vianne: Yeah, good point. What's your name?

Guillaume: Guillaume Blérot. And this is Charlie.

Vianne: (to the dog) Nice to meet you, Charlie!

Guillaume: (looks at her expectantly)

Vianne: (gives him a what-the-hell-YOU-lookin-at look) All right. You wanna buy something for that hot little girlfriend of yours?

Guillaume: (thinks) Um, which one?

Vianne: (raises an eyebrow) The horny one.

Guillaume: Yeah, but which one?

Vianen: The one who tried to hit on you.

Guillaume: And... which one?

Vianne: Boy, you got an ego.... Screw it. Do you wanna buy something for one of them?

Guillaume: Oh no, I mustn't. They're all mourning for their husbands.

Vianne: That sucks.

Guillaume: Yeah, they died in the war.

Vianne: That was (counts on her fingers)15 years ago.

Guillaume: No, no. I'm talking about World War I. They died around 1917.

Vianne: Wow. No wonder those women are horny....

--Reynaud enters Fiffi's barber shop.--

Reynaud: Bonjour, mesdames! (yes, that's the correct plural!)

Women: Bonjour, monsieur Comte!

Woman #1: (whispering to the one next to her) That horny old bugger again...

--Mme Drou fetches the rent check and gives it to Reynaud--

Reynaud: (looks her up and down) I wish all my tenants were as hot... I mean reliable as you.

--Woman #1 and the one next to her exchange a glance and roll their eyes. He turns to leave.--

Mme Drou: How is the comtess enjoying Italy?

Reynaud: She's enjoying it so much I'm not even sure she'll ever come back. If you know what I mean... (winks at her)

Mme Drou: (not really listening) Very nice.

Reynaud: Have you seen the new shop across the square?

Mme Audel: Oh yes, the chocolaterie. (smiles)

Reynaud: Shameless, isn't it?

(The women look at each other, then back at him)

Mme Drou: Um, no. Why?

Reynaud: Well, it's time for Lent.

Mme Audel: And…?

Reynaud: Lent, chocolate? Hello?

Mme Drou: Well, it's maybe not the best time she could have chosen, but I don't see the big problem.

Mme Audel: The stuff in her shop window looks really spiffy!

Woman #1: It does!

Reynaud: You don't think it's a shame? For the christian beliefs?

Mme Drou: Not really. It's a free country, after all.

Mme Audel: Exactly.

Reynaud : Are you people INSANE??? (looks at them disbelievingly, then shakes his head and sighs)

(pause. Reynaud thinks)

Reynaud: (his face lightens up as he has an idea) But her child is illegitimate!

Mme Drou: Jeez, dude, this isn't 1487 ! It's the twentieth century ! Lots of women have illegitimate children.

Mme Audel: And I don't see how it's any of your business, anyway.

Reynaud: (stares with his mouth hanging open) (mutters) This is unbelievable. (to the women) Well, it's getting late, I should go! Bonjour!

Women: (cheerfully) Bonjour!

--Reynaud hurries outside. He walks down the street quickly.—

Reynaud: Okay, I'm going to freak right out.

----------------------

Hope you liked it! REVIEW!!!!!!!!


	4. Jokes and Carrots

**Author's Note: **Still got no excuse. And btw, it's gonna be a while until Roux comes up – sorry about that, but it's not my fault, I didn't make the movie (I would've put sooooo much more Johnny in it!). But I'll try to get there fast, okay?

You were all good at guessing the references! –hands out cookies to everyone- so here they are:

1.Voice in Joséphine's head – from Secret Window

2."I didn't steal it" – from PotC

3."Are you people insane?" – from Ed Wood (haven't I used this before? Hm. Whatever.)

4."Okay, I'm going to freak right out." – from OUATIM

So, time for the next chapter! Off we go.

((Père Henri is sweeping the snow away in the yard behind the church. He starts to whistle. He slows down and looks around. Then he starts to sing.))

Henri: _He met Marmalade downin Ol' Moulin Rouge_

_ Strutting her stuff on the street….._

((He looks around again, then begins to wiggle his hips.))

Henri: _…She said 'hello, hey Joe, you wanna give it a go-OH!'_

((He stops to look around again, then puts the broom up vertically and starts dancing around it like a go-go dancer.))

Henri: _Giche giche yaya dada, giche giche yaya heeere_

_ Mocca chocolata ya ya_

_Creole lady marmalaaaaaade _(He lifts up his robe to reveal his leg, wiggling his hips, then drops it and resumes dancing)

_Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?_

((Suddenly Reynaud comes around the corner and sees him. He raises an eyebrow and grins.))

Henri: (not seeing him) V_oulez-vous coucher avec moi?_

Reynaud: Unfortunately, I have plans tonight. But I'm free tomorrow!

((Henri stops immediately and turns around, totally shocked. Reynaud is still grinning.))

Henri: Uhm… uh… I… uh…

Reynaud: Well?

Henri: (stutters some more)

Reynaud: (laughs) I was just joking.

Henri: Oh. I see. I'm sorry.

Reynaud: You'll get used to it. How long have you been with us?

Henri: Five weeks.

Reynaud: Now, your predecessor, Père Michel, it took him like five months to get my jokes. And for the next five decades, there was no problem! He never sang about whores in the backyard of the church though.

Henri: (shy and embarassed smile) Yeah, sorry about that.

Reynaud: Anyway, I looked at your sermon. (hands it to Henri) This is just bad writing. (pause) This is _bad_ writing.

Henri: (looks at the paper unhappily)

Reynaud: So you know what to do.

Henri: (hesitates, reluctant look)

Reynaud: Just do it.

Henri: (sighs and tears it in two)

Reynaud: No… (Henri tears it again) ….bad…. (Henri tears it again) …writing. (he smiles and looks at Henri) I think that solves it. (turns away, then suddenly turns back) Oh, one more thing. If you haven't seen the new chocolaterie, perhaps you might like to take a look. The chick who runs it is SO hot.

Henri: What?

Reynaud: Four months to go, pal.

((The chocolaterie. Anouk leaves for school.))

Vianne: Hey, where's my kiss?

Anouk: (turns to her) I'm afraid I've lost it. Too bad! (runs off and bumps right into Armande) (to Armande, annoyed) Watch where you're going!

Armande: (indignant) I beg your pardon? (but Anouk is already gone.) (she enters the shop)

Vianne: Ah, good morning!

Armande: What do you mean? Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?

Vianne: Wow, somebody who read 'The Hobbit'. Do you expect me to invite you to sit down outside with a pipe of tobacco now?

Armande: Thanks, but I don't smoke. (pause) What's the décor? Toys R Us, teddy department?

Vianne: (stunned) Yes, how did you know that?

Armande: (shrugs)

Vianne: You know, they used to burn women like you alive. (closes the door)

((Armande goes to sit on a stool. Vianne runs to help her.))

Armande: When I need help, I ask for it!

Vianne: Okay, fine! (walks behind the counter and starts wiping it casually. She hums.)

((Armande tries to sit down on the stool. She loses her balance, the stool starts to tilt and in the end Armande falls off onto the floor. Vianne smirks. Armande slowly gets up, panting. Vianne pretends not to notice. Armande tries to put the stool up again, but it is too heavy for her to lift. Vianne is trying hard not to laugh. Armande looks at the stool for a moment, then sighs and looks at Vianne.))

Armande: Help?

Vianne: (keeps wiping the counter, then looks up innocently at Armande, startled) Oh, I'm sorry, what did you say?

Armande: (glares at her suspiciously) I need help.

Vianne: Oh, really. Who would have thought. (puts the stool up and helps Armande onto it.)

((Vianne spins the plate. Armande gives her a quizzical look.))

Vianne: What do you see in it?

Armande: Not a damn thing.

Vianne: Hey, no swearing in my house!

Armande: (rolls eyes)

Vianne: Come on, you gotta see _something_.

Armande: Like it or not, I don't.

Vianne: Wow, your eye doctor sucks, huh? Well, I've got just a thing for you. (takes a brown carrot-shaped thing from a shelf and hands it to Armande)

Armande: What the hell is that?

Vianne: No swearing, remember?

Armande: Whatever.

Vianne: It's a chocolate carrot. Inside carrot, outside chocolate! And carrots are good for the eyes.

Armande: (stares at her unbelievingly) Great….Thanks.

((They are silent for a while.))

Armande: That little girl of yours, does she mind it?

Vianne: Oh, she hardly notices. I usually wait until she sleeps before I drink.

Armande: Uh… I was talking about all the moving around.

Vianne: Oh that… Well, she's doing fine. It's good for her, seeing new places and meeting new people. (pause) You gonna eat that carrot or not?

Armande: All right! (she takes a bite and chews) Tastes like….. carrot and chocolate! EW!

Vianne: I'll make you something else. (she opens a cupboard and considers the stuff inside. Finally she picks a packet of instant soup.)

Armande: Yay!

((The schoolyard. Anouk is fighting with some kids who are teasing her about Ronald. The teacher comes and grabs her.))

Teacher: Anouk, in this school we are civilized. We don't fight with people who are weaker than us! I mean, look at them – they are wimps!

Anouk: I noticed.

Teacher: Anyway, I have to punish you. Didi, Dedou, Dadaa, Dodo, Dayday, Dudu and Pierre, come along!

((The teacher puts them in the classroom.))

Teacher: And be quiet!

Didi: Where is Ronald?

Anouk: (rolls eyes) Oh you are so funny.

Dedou: My mother says you don't have a father.

Anouk: Apparently your mother doesn't know squat about biology.

Tadaaaaa! So much for now :) Hope you enjoyed it. Please review! You're my motivation! Luv y'all!


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